I don't want to wash my hands clean
by Imaginary-Vanity
Summary: Blair Waldorf will be a worthy Queen, and there will be no King by her side, just a consort on her arm.


_This is a one-shot I wrote immediatly after watching 3x18. Orginally it was short, to the point, a quick glance into the phique of Chuck Bass. A way for me to let off some steam. But it's grown, and grown and at this point im not against making it into a chapter fic. I have a basic idea of where it could go, I just need to see if i can make the idea into a sutible plot (And maybe finish 'In Another Dimension' before I sink my teach into another plot?). I have went over this a thousand times, but as my friend says, once you've read your work through a few times it becomes harder to spot the mistates. So point out any mistates (There will be alot I imagine), any parts that do seem right. I appreciate feeback good and bad._

_I swear, I will begin looking for A beta A.S.A.P!_

_Enjoy!_

_**"Because I love her, and I can't make her happy." **_

He saw this coming.

He saw it coming a long time ago.

Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck.

They where fine as long as they where sneaking around behind Nathanials back, fine as long as they met in shadowed corners, fine as long as they where playing one of there games.

The games, the shadows, it all meant distance

Never close enough to satisfy the aching need in his heart, but never close enough to have everything collapse completely around them either. But then, in true Blair Waldorf style, she raised the stakes. He could have given her what she wanted there and then, standing on that drive way as she was about to run into another mans arms, he could have given it to her ten times over. But it would be the death of them, the beginning of the end.

So, he resisted. He tried to make her see, tried so hard. But Blair wanted it, and he was Chuck Bass. Chuck Bass would always give Blair Waldorf what her heart desired. Even when he knows the twisted significance of a simple I love You

The deathly roll of the dice.

Maybe it was worth it, having Blair Waldorf for a mere blink of her existence was surly better than never having Blair Waldorf at all.

_**"You deserve to be alone"**_

Nathanials words haunt him all day.

Nate's right, he's wrongs, he's right, he's wrong. Over and over and over.

He doesn't want to believe it.

But, alas Nate's words close in on him. So much so that he has to step outside several times for fear of having a panic attack. Each time he does, he grips the railings, grits his teeth and pushes the words back. As long as there's a Blair Waldorf in the world he doesn't deserve to be alone, because he's _supposed_ to be with her.

As the day drags on though, as he watches Blair from afar -because he doesn't have the right to be close to her anymore- he starts to believe Nate's words. His protest's become softly spoken words until they cant be heard at all.

He does deserve to be alone.

That doesn't stop him from fighting against the inevitable.

_**"Where both sick and twisted, if you think about it, where incredible fortunate to have found each other"**_

He does think about it. He always thinks about how incredibly fortunate _he _is.

He's thought about it every single day since he said I love you (One, twice, thrice...), the first time since there love affair began that he held Blair Waldorf in his arms the morning after.

It's never left a bitter taste in his mouth, and a throbbing pain in his stomach

Until now.

Its left him awed, its filled him with butterfly's, its made him thank God every single day that Blair Waldorf, Blair Cornelia Waldorf loves Chuck Bass. Something so unimaginable, if anyone had told him that four years ago he would have laughed in there face.

Chuck was supposed to worship his vixen from afar, those where the rule's, that was the game.

_**"Better bored than ashamed of myself"**_

Bordom. That's what she had with Nate-_every_ time-with Marcus... But there he was waiting in the wings. He'll always be waiting in the wings.

Her words sound like a conclusion of there love affair.

The conclusions that Chuck Bass has know would come all along.

Chuck and Blair aren't supposed to hold hands

Chuck and Blair aren't supposed to go to movies

Chuck Bass isn't supposed to be in a relationship

Chuck Bass is supposed to be the one waiting when her world all becomes to much, when she needs a fleeting release. Chuck Bass is supposed to love her from afar and cherish the fleeting moments in between when there worlds join for the briefest of moments.

_**"I never thought it was possible to love someone too much, maybe it is. I don't like who I've become with you." **_

Love.

Love is not a word to be associated with Charles Bartholomew Bass.

There's a reason he was kept at a distance by his father.

A reason his ghost of a mother disappeared again without looking back.

A reason his uncle, his own flesh and blood, would rather torture and destroy him than push aside the past.

The reason is Chuck Bass. Unloved or loved, he always destroys.

As she walks away, Chuck cant help wishing she'd merely told him she no longer loved him. Because having someone love you so much that they lose who they are, that they turn into an image of themselves they begin to hate. Knowing you have loved and destroyed another...

Well, heartbreak doesn't even begin to describe the pain in his chest.

_**"This is who I am"**_, translates into: "_**this is who I should be"**_.

One night stands, a weekend of random sluts. No one around long enough to get hurt. No one to get sucked into the circling vortex of destruction that is Chuck Bass.

Serena calls him for three days straight. He doesn't answer until he's packed, and the penthouse is stripped of all its former glory, just as it should be. It was a symbol, and Chuck Bass cannot bear to face what it now stands for. Serena sounds relived when he finally picks up, out of breath, like she's been running all over the city looking for him, rather than dialing constantly for the past three days.

"Chuck, finally."

"Serena" Bored, deadpan.

"Why haven't you answered my calls? Why haven't you tried to contact Blair? Why are you throwing the only good thing that's happened in your life for a _long_ time away?" It's all to familiar, wasn't he in this place just a year ago?

_**"Chuck, why did you just do that?"**_

God. He wishes he'd been wrong. But the reason is as true now as it was then.

"Because I love her, and I _don't_ make her happy"

"_Chuck." _Serena sighs dramatically, like she speaking to a stubborn little child "You do make her happy. We've all seen how happy you guys where. Your Chuck and Blair. You can get past this, you just need to fight for her, you know how Blair loves big romantic gestures."

"No, not this time. It wouldn't be fair"

She clicks her tongue in distance, and Chuck can almost see her glaring at him, hand on her hip, loathing in her eyes.

"So that's its, your just going to run off to London? Run away again just like you did last year?"

She's done her homework, London was his_ secret_ getaway. He was ready to leave like a ship in the night. Maybe Eric passed on his P.I's number.

"Do you know what she told me? Do you understand what happened? Why I need to do this for _her?"_

Silence

"She told me 'I don't like who I've become with you', that's not something I want to fight for. I don't want to fight to have her miserable in order to make me whole. Her unhappiness is not worth my happiness. I knew that a year ago, and I know that more than ever now."

She makes a sound, tries to interrupt. Chuck squeezes his eyes tightly shut. This is the end, it has to end now.

Chuck doesn't even give her time to get a word out.

"We tried, _I_ failed her. I don't think I could bear to go through it again. Ask Nathanials to tell you _everything_ that happened. Maybe then you'll understand"

He closes the phone, removes the battery.

He walks slowly to the window, gazes out across the city. Blair Waldorf will be a worthy Queen, and there will be no King by her side, just a consort on her arm.


End file.
